Fuskie Truisms

A guy walks into a bar down on the UW campus and orders a GrapeNehi.
Surprised, the bartender looks around and says "You ain`t from around here... where you from, boy?".
The guy says, "I'm from Ohio"
The bartender asks, "What do you do down in Ohio?"
The guy responds, "I'm a taxidermist."
The bartender asks, "A taxidermist... what the hell is a taxidermist?"
The guy says "I mount dead animals."
The bartender smiles and shouts to the whole bar, "It's OK boys, he's one of us."

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Three Huskies were sitting by the side of Lake Washington holding fishing poles with the lines in the water. A Game Warden came up behind them, tapped them on the shoulder and said, "Excuse me, but I'd like to see your fishing
licenses."
"We don't have any." replied the first Husky.
"Well, if your going to fish, you need fishing licenses," said the Game Warden.
"But officer," replied the second Husky, "we aren't fishing. We all have magnets at the end of our lines and we're collecting debris off the bottom of the river."
The Game Warden lifted up all the lines and, sure enough, there were horseshoe magnets tied on the end of each line. "Well, I know of no law against that," said the Game Warden, "take all the debris you want." And with that, the Game Warden left.
As soon as the Game Warden was out of sight, the three Husky started braying hysterically.
"What a dumb Fish Cop," Buster said to the other two; "doesn't he know there are steelhead in this lake?!"
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Q: How do you know when an Husky has done a crossword puzzle?
A: All the squares have been colored in!
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Q: How do you keep a an Husky busy?
A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.
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Two Huskies bought a Country Squire station wagon with wooden sides. When they got it home, they tore off all the wood paneling. They looked at it for a while, then one turned to the other and said, "You know, I liked it better in the box."
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Q: How many Huskies does it take to ice-fish?
A: Six. Two to cut the hole in the ice and four to push the boat through.
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Q: What do you call an Husky driving a Rolls Royce?
A: A car thief.
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Q: Why was the Husky arrested for indecent exposure?
A: He was asked to count to 21!
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Q: Did you hear about the Husky who was asked by his professor what would happen if we didn't have electricity?
A: He said we would probably be watching TV by candlelight.
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Q: Did you hear what happened to the Husky when he found out that 90% of all car accidents occur within 25 miles of home?
A: He moved.
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Q: Hear about the Husky whose wife gave birth to twins?
A: He wanted to know who the other man was.
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A visiting professor at UW was giving a seminar on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asked: "How many people here believe in ghosts?" All the students raised their hands.

"Well that's a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?
"About 40 students raised their hands.

"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?" 15 students raised their hands.

"That's a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?" 3 students raised their hands.

"That's fantastic. But let me ask you one question further ... have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"

One student in the back raised his hand. The professor was astonished. He took off glasses, stepped back, and said, "Son, in all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."

The student in the back stood up and headed for the podium.

The professor said, "Well, tell us what it's like to have sex with a Ghost."

The student replied, "Ghost?!? I thought you said 'goat!' "
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Q: How do Huskies practice safe sex?
A: They get rid of all the animals that kick.
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Q: Why do Huskies keep their diplomas on their dash boards?
A: So they can park in the handicap spaces.
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There was once a Cougar and an Husky who lived next door to each other. The Cougar owned a hen and each morning would look in his garden and pick up one of his hen's eggs for breakfast. One day he looked into his garden and saw that the hen had laid an egg in the Husky's garden. He was about to go next door when he saw the Husky pick up the egg. The Cougar ran up to the Husky and told him that the egg belonged to him because he owned the hen. The Husky disagreed because the egg was laid on his property.

They argued for a while until finally the Cougar said, "In my family we normally solve disputes by the following actions: I kick you in the balls and time how long it takes you to get back up, then you kick me in the balls and time how long it takes for me to get up. Whoever gets up quicker wins the egg."

The Husky agreed to this and so the Cougar found his heaviest pair of boots and put them on, he took a few steps back, then ran toward the Husky and kicked as hard as he could in the balls. The Husky fell to the floor clutching his nuts and
howling in agony for 30 minutes.

Eventually the Husky stood up and said, "Now it's my turn to kick you."

The Cougar said, "Keep the egg."
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Q: How do you recognize an Husky in a department store?
A: He's the one trying to slam the revolving door.
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Q: How do you know when an Husky has sent you a fax?
A: When there's a stamp on it.
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Q: Why did the Husky lose his job as an elevator operator?
A: He couldn't learn the route.
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The husband came home to find his new Husky wife in tears.
"Honey, what's the matter?" he asked.
She replied, "I wanted to fix you a nice martini. I started out by rinsing off the ice cubes in hot water, and now I can't find them."
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Two Huskies were pulling a large deer thru the woods. They came across a Cougar and he said, "Really nice buck you got there, but I think if you pulled him by his horns it would be a lot better then dragging him by his hind legs." The
Huskies tried it and after a while one said, "this sure is better. It's a lot smoother over the ground."

The other said, "Yeah but we sure are getting farther away from the truck!"
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Q: Did you hear about the Husky that broke his leg raking leaves?
A: He fell out of the tree

Q. How do you get a Fuskie graduate off your front porch?
A. Pay for the pizza.
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Q: What's the difference between Husky fans and a litter of puppies?
A: Eventually, the litter of puppies grows up and stops whining.
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Q: What does Husky football prepare a young man for?
A: Five to ten years with time off for good behavior.
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Q: Why do flies have wings?
A: So they can beat the Huskies to the garbage cans.
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Q: What's the best selling douche at UW?
A: Liquid Plumber.
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Did you hear about the Huskies who went ice fishing?
They caught 200 pounds, then drowned trying to fry it.
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Q. What's the best selling toilet paper at UW?
A. The brand that has instructions printed on every sheet.

11/17/97 updated

A Husky is sitting in the middle of a strawberry field, rowing a boat for all he's worth and another Husky spots him and pulls to the side of the road and jumps out of his car and starts yelling and screaming and finally says, "It's Huskies like you that give
Huskies like me a bad rep, and if I could swim I'd come out there and kick your ass!"
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There's an Husky, Trojan and Cal Bear that all just broke out of jail. They went to hide out in an old animal warehouse. The Trojan and Bear each hid in a box and the Husky hid in a bag.

The Police walked in and knocked on the Trojan box and the Trojan replied, "MOO!" The police said, "Oh, it's just a cow."

After knocking on the Bear's box, the Bear replied, "OINK, OINK!" The policesaid, "Oh, it's just a pig."

The police shook the Husky bag and the Husky said, "POTATOES!"
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What's an Husky's idea of foreplay?
A half hour of begging.
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A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over Huskies he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see an Husky walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud 'THUMP' and then he would swerve back onto the road. One day, as the truck driver was driving along he saw a priest. He thought he would do a good deed and pulled the truck over.

He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck."

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw an Husky walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the Husky. However, even though he was certain he missed the Husky, he still heard a loud 'THUD.' Not understanding where the noise came from he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and
said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that Husky."

"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"
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Two Huskies go on a fishing trip. They rent all the equipment: the reels, the rods, the wading suits, the rowboat, the car, and even a cabin in the woods. They spend a fortune. The first day they go fishing, but they don't catch anything. The same thing happens on the second day, and on the third day. It goes on like this until finally, on the last day of their vacation, one of the Huskies catches a fish.

As they're driving home they're really depressed. One Husky turns to the other and says, "Do you realize that this one lousy fish we caught cost us fifteen hundred dollars?"
The other Husky says, "Wow! It's a good thing we didn't catch any more!"
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Q: What do you have if three Huskies are buried up to their necks in cement?
A: Not enough cement.
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The were three Huskies huddled around each other at a local bar. All of a sudden, they jumped up and yelled, "Yeah, 45! 45!"
The bartender goes down to them and asks, "45? What are you guys so excited about?"

One of the Huskies speaks up: "We just finished a jigsaw puzzle. The box said 2 to
3 years, and we did it in 45 days!"
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One day, a group of ladies were sitting by the water cooler. An Husky walked by. His shirt said 'Huskies are Gods gift to women.'
A lady remarked, "If Huskies are Gods gift to women, then he must have loved giving out gag gifts."
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Two Huskies were out hunting when they came upon a couple of tracks. After close examination, the first Husky declared them to be deer tracks. The second Husky disagreed, insisting they must be elk tracks.
They were still arguing when the train hit them.
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Why did the Husky get rid of his freezer?
He got tired of cutting the ice into little squares to fit into the trays.
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What do you call a female Husky who takes birth control pills?
A humanitarian.
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Why was the Husky so mad when a thief mugged him and stole his books?
Because he hadn't finished coloring one of them.
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Why are rectal thermometers banned at UW?
They cause too much brain damage..
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A professor at UW had given the class an assignment. He stresses the importance of this particular assignment, and that no excuses will be accepted except illness (with a medical certificate) or a death in the immediate family (with a
death certificate). A smart-ass Huskie student pipes up, "What about extreme sexual exhaustion, sir?"

The class breaks up laughing, and when they settle down the professor responds with, "Well, I guess you'll have to learn to write with your other hand."

Why did the Husky get fired from the M&M plant as a quality control inspector?
He kept throwing out all the W&W's!
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Q: What do they call a good looking girl on the UW campus?
A: A visitor.
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A Husky got a job at an east Everett sawmill. Just before lunch on his first day, he lost a finger. When asked how he lost it, he replied, "I just touched this big spinning thing here like thi...Damn! There goes another one!"
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A Husky was hitch-hiking and was picked up by another Husky in a Cadillac. The first Husky asked the second how he got the car. The second Husky replied that he had been hitch-hiking when he was picked up by a beautiful girl in a Cadillac. They pulled off on a side road, went off onto a dirt road and then into a clearing in the middle of nowhere. The beautiful girl got out of the car, took off all her clothes and said, "Take anything you see."

"Well, the clothes didn't fit, so I took the car."
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Did you hear about the skeleton they found in a closet in one of the dorms at UW? It was the 1963 hide-and-go-seek champion!
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A Husky engineering student was so relieved to get a summer internship he didn't care that he would be painting highway stripes for the Department of Transportation. The first day, he painted 10 miles of stripes. The foreman was impressed. His second day on the job, the Husky only painted two miles of stripes. Since he had done so well his first day, the foreman decided to excuse his lack-luster performance. The third day, the Husky only painted one mile worth of stripes. The foreman thought this was inexcusable and asked the Husky, "What's the deal? Your first day you did so well. The second day was not so good.
Today, you did less work than I did."

The frustrated Husky replied, "I'm sorry boss, the bucket just keeps getting farther and farther away!"
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Did you hear about the power outage at the UW library?
Forty Huskies were stuck on the escalator for 3 hours.
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Q: Why don't they have any ice at UW?
A: The guy who had the recipe graduated.
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Q: What do you call an Husky with 100 girlfriends?
A: Shepherd.
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I think that it is a shame the way you pick on the Huskies. After all it was a Husky engineer that invented the toilet seat.

Of course a WSU engineer stole the design and cut a hole in the middle.
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A Husky goes into the drug store to buy some condoms. The price on the box is $2. That's just what the Husky has in his pocket. So he takes the box to the counter and says, "I'll take these." The clerk says that will be "$2.16 sir." The
surprised the Husky retorts, "Two dollars AND 16 cents! What's the 16 cents for?" The clerk said it was for tax.

The Husky replied, "Tax, I thought you just rolled them on."
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Q: What does an average UW player get on his SATs?
A: Drool.
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It's the Apple Cup. WSU is playing at the UW, which has a first down with three minutes left in the first half. A UW fan sets off a firecracker, and WSU, thinking it's the end of the first half, runs off the field...

Three plays later, UW punts.
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Q-Why do the Fuskies play on Astroturf?
A-To keep their cheerleaders from grazing.
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Q-How does a Fuskie cheerleader turn on the light after sex?
A-Opens the car door.
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Q-What do you call a Fuskie cheerleader on a waterbed?
A-An offshore drilling rig.

Q. What does a Husky cheerleader and a Husky quarterback have in common?
A. They both spend a lot of time on their backs.
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Q. How do you keep a Husky from drinking too much?
A. Slam the lid on his head
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{Two guys are sitting in a diner}
Guy #1: By chance, are you a Cougar?
Guy #2: Yes, how could you tell?
Guy #1: Just by your sense of pride, & the way you carry yourself.
Guy #2: I see, hey, are you a Husky?
Guy #1: Why, yes, how could you tell?
Guy #2: I saw your class ring while you were picking your nose.
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Q. What do you call a Husky in a 3 piece suit?
A. The defendant.
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Q. What's the first place a Husky cheerleader goes in the morning?
A. Home.
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Q. What did the Cougar Alumnus say to the Husky Alumnus?
A. "You have the right to remain silent...."
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Did you hear about the Husky who transferred to WSU and lowered both schools GPA'S?
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Q. How do Husky brain cells die?
A. Alone.
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Q. Did you hear about the Husky linebacker that stole the Police Car?
A. He saw the "911" on the side & thought it was a Porsche.
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Q. Did you hear about the new Husky Honor System?
A. Yes, Your Honor, No Your Honor.
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Q. What do you call a Husky with half a brain?
A. Gifted.
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Q. What is the difference between a Husky Coach and a catfish?
A. One is a bottom-feeding scum-sucker and the other is a fish.
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Q. Why are Huskies like laxatives?
A. They both irritate the crap out of you.
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Q. What do you call an intelligent person in Husky Stadium?
A. A visitor.
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A Husky football player was working out in a gym one day when he smelled smoke. He quickly rushed to the phone and dialed 911. In the calmest voice he could muster, he reported the fire. The dispatcher asked "How do we get there?" The dawg hesitated a few seconds then asked, "Don't you guys have those big red trucks anymore?"
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Q. What's the difference between a Husky fan and a sled dog ?
A. Drivers will swerve to miss the dog.
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Q. What is the difference between a Husky woman cheerleader and an elephant?
A. About 40 lbs.
_

Q. How do you equalize the two?
A. Feed the elephant.
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A woman received some bad news one day. It seems that her husband had  been in an accident and was brain dead. However, the hospital had perfected a new brain transplant procedure and luckily there were two brains available. A Husky brain transplant would cost $100,000. A Cougar transplant would cost $10,000. Curious, she asked why the  Husky brain was so much more expensive. The reply...."The Husky brain has never been used."
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Four alumni were climbing a mountain one day. Each was from a different Northwest School, and each proclaimed to be the most loyal of all fans at their alma mater. As they climbed higher, they argued as to which one of them was the most loyal of all. They continued to argue all the way up the mountain, and finally, as they reached the top, the OSU Beaver hurled himself off the mountain, shouting "This is for OSU!" as he fell to his doom. Not wanting to be out done, the UO Duck threw
himself off the mountain, proclaiming "This is for U of O!". Seeing this, the Cougar walked over and shouted "This is for WSU!", and threw the Husky off the side of the mountain.
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Q. What's the difference between Don James and Jim Lambright?
A. One quit after he got caught cheating.
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You might be a husky if :
Your husky vanity plates were made by your ex-roommate.

Your elective foreign language in college was English.

You get a $50,000 cash, indefinite term, no interest loan and blow it on a Camaro and beer for your buddies.

After football practice, you retire to your dorm to weigh out rocks on your triple beam.

The cops in Eugene have you on their sex offender registry.

You aspire to be a Husky if:
If your dad walks you to school because you are both in the same grade.

"If you define cowardice as running away at the first sign of danger,
screaming and tripping and begging for mercy, then yes, Mr. Brave Man, I
guess I'm a coward." -Brock Huard, 1996
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Miller Brewing Co. just came out with a new micro brew for Huskies
The slogan goes like this "Try U.W. Lite, 1/3 the education at 1/2
the price"
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How many Fuskies does it take to screw in a light bulb?
One. Fuskies will screw anything!

Have more jokes? e-mail them to me.

GO COUGS